So, in a series of posts, I'm going to write down my thoughts on the Star Wars Holiday Special, which I'm watching for the first time right now.
I'm 30 minutes in. The pain won't stop. So far, my internal monologue while I watch has been something like this: "Oh dear Lord, make it stop, make it stop, hey Mark Hamil! Make it stop, I hate wookies so much, hey it's Art Carney! I hate George Lucas with the fire of the sun, hey it's Harvey Korman! ow ow ow owie ow!"
So, like I said, I'm 30 minutes in. So far the stars of the actual movies have fared relatively well. Mark Hamil's barely in it, though his haircut looks strange. But I'm pretty sure his hair cut is to cover the scars from the bad car accident he was in between Star Wars and Empire, so I can overlook that.
Harrison Ford comes out okay, too, at least so far. He's trying to transport Chewbacca to his home planet for Life Day, the Wookie version of Christmas. They run into some Imperials and spend their scenes trying to outrun/kill the evil guys (in battle footage blantly lifted from the first movie). But hey, it's new footage of Han Solo, and that means a lot.
But the rest? God help me, the rest.
See, Chewie's family are anxiously awaiting Papa's return for Life Day. His family includes his wife, his father and his son Lumpy. They show up around minute 4. Luke and R2 make an appearance in minute 12.
What fills up the time between minute 4 and minute 12? An 8 minute scene of life in the wookie household.
An 8 minute scene with no dialogue. An 8 minute scene punctuated only by Wookie grunts and whines, with no subtitles to tell you just what the hell they're grunting and whining about.
I hate you, George Lucas. I hate you so much.