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|Saturday, September 27th, 2014|
When the great villains of horror movies and literature are listed, goo does not often make the list. Vampires? Check. Zombies? Oh yeah. Werewolves? Aaaaooooooo. Hannibal Lecter? Hello, Clarice.
But goo goes unsung and unheralded, it's evilness unrecognized. I'm not sure why. There are plenty of examples of oozing evil when you think about it.
The granddaddy of course is The Blob from that one movie. I think it was called The Gel That Tried to Eat Steve McQueen. The Blob is slow but somehow unrelenting. It consumes all in its path, from small animals to unbelieving policeman to entire diners (or, more correctly, and one of the great examples of "We have no money" special fx, a photo of a diner.)
Then there's ooze, the very ooze that gave us the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. While the turtles themselves are benevolent and not scary, the ooze also birthed pretty much every bad guy they ever fought on the cartoon. Also, the ooze is responsible for Splinter, and design of Splinter in the first movie is nightmare-inducing Seriously, that thing is horrifying.
The ooze isn't all bad, though. It gave us Tokka and Rahzar from the 2nd TMNT movie and if we didn't have them, we wouldn't have Shredder bellowing "Babies! They are babieeees!" to enjoy, and where we would be then.
Other oozes haven't been immortalized in film as yet, but are still just as important. Such as Bartholomew and The Oobleck by Dr. Seuss. In that book, the wish of an evil king causes the weather to be replaced by green globs.
The Oobleck causes all manner of problems in the Kingdom of Didd but Bartholomew puts on his thinking cap (500 of them) and is able to save the day.
I just glanced at the books Wikipedia page and saw that it has not been adapted. (Note to Ron Howard, Jim Carrey and Mike Myers: if you go near this book, I will cut you.)
So why is goo and it's pernicious evilness on my mind today.
Because, every day I fight goo. But it's hard to say who is winning.
For those of you who don't know, my body tried to kill me last month, with a one-two punch of infection and undiagnosed diabetes. As an experience, I can say with some authority that it's no fun. I'm doing much better, but after two operations to clear out the infection, I am left with a large - LARGE - wound across my abdomen.
I got out of AnMed last month, but complications with the wound vac (long story short) landed me at Regency for 7.5 days earlier this month so they could take better care of the wound that we could at home.
And it was there that I met the goo.
Oh, it's not called goo. It's called Pro-Stat Sugar Free.
See, when you have a gaping wound that run from mid-thigh to mid-thigh, your doctors and nurses would like it to heal as quickly as possible.
Protein makes it heal.
(I just pictured a doctor cackling that line in the same voice The Wicked Witch of the West uses when she says, "Poppies will make them sleep!")
Pro-Stat is made of protein. Protein from the depths of hell, but protein.
It's super-high in protein. So the doctors and nurses gave it to me.
Three times a day.
Starting at 5:30am.
The Goo (I think it's earned capitalization) is sweet. But not in a good way.
It's like honey. But not in a good way.
Picture a field full of beehives. Under power lines. Next to a leaking retention pond. Adjacent to a power plant that has fallen far behind on mandated safety protocols from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.
The bees in such a field would start out as normal bees. And they would produce normal honey. But eventually over time, breeding within the hive, as the environment worked its deadly magic, would produce angry mutant hillbilly bees, with a Queen like the one in a certain Sigourney Weaver movie.
And these bees would produce something that technically qualifies as honey. Honey that would send evening the most dedicated beekeepers fleeing in terror, but, still, honey.
Take that noxious product, bury it in an ancient Indian burial ground for a month, dig it up, wipe it off and you have Pro-Stat.
How bad is it? The first time the nurse brought it to me, she looked at me and said, "I'm really, really sorry."
They say you can lessen the awfulness by mixing it with a little water or some juice. I say that would only make me hate water and juice.
I have been taking Pro-Stat three times daily for nearly three weeks. And it makes me gag every time. Every time.
Sometimes the taste lingers in the back of my throat for hours, no matter if I eat something or brush my teeth. It's like an Everlasting Gobstopper of Sadness!
I take 30 ml of it three times a day. You know how much 30 ml is, when something tastes as bad as Pro-Stat? A WHOLE FREAKING LOT.
The stuff I take at home is a little different from what I was taking in the hospital. It's cherry-flavored. Made with cherries the same way Minute Maid lemonade is made with lemons, but I guess we can give them points for trying.
I'm nearly done with my first bottle of it. Sadly, I have three more bottles. Big bottles. Bottles that are sitting on the kitchen table of my parents' house, when they should be deeply buried in Yucca Mountain.
But they say that it's helping. That I'm healing. That my wound is doing excellently. That it looks exactly like it's supposed to.
So I grimace and bear it, in the early morning hours, at 2pm and before bedtime. I let it crawl down my throat, swallow it as it tries to come back up and out and bear it. I let it work its magic.
But I'd still rather have a big glass of Oobleck.
|Friday, August 10th, 2012|
Essayist David Rakoff is dead. Fuck cancer.
His near-monotone voice will probably be familiar to This American Life listeners.
I loved his collection, Don't Get Too Comfortable, and really enjoyed his performance as presidential assassin Leon Czolgosz in the audiobook version of Sarah Vowell's "Assassination Vacation."
Dead at 47. Fuck cancer.
|Thursday, June 16th, 2011|
Actual headline on the web site of the Seneca Daily Journal today:
"Plan to be spontaneous this summer"
|Thursday, April 15th, 2010|
|With some Fava beans and, well, you know the rest
We all know about earworms, those songs that burrow deep inside your head and refuse to come out, right?
But does anyone else ever get snippets of TV shows and movies that get in your head and refuse to come out? It's been a long time since I've seen The Silence of the Lambs, but right now I have Anthony Hopkins yelling "Agent Starling! Agent Starling!" going round and round in my skull.
I don't want to speculate on what this suggests about the state of my mental health.
P.S. When I was typing out the subject line, I typed out Favre Beans. As in Brett Favre. He should sign an endorsement deal with the Bean Farmers of America.
|Wednesday, April 14th, 2010|
|Somebody take this and run with it please
Some enterprising person should start a business that would deliver phones, landline or otherwise, to people so they can throw them against the wall without damaging company property.
You could several tiers. A small outlay would get you a receiver that you could bash against your desk, while a higher fee would nab you a whole phone to destroy as you saw fit, perhaps with bats, Office Space printer-style.
Can you tell I've been answering the office phone all day?
|Wednesday, November 11th, 2009|
|My eyes. Dear God, my eyes!
So I could use this post, the first time I've posted here in a good long while, to fill you in on my life, or how things at the paper are going. To that I say, bah!
So, in a series of posts, I'm going to write down my thoughts on the Star Wars Holiday Special, which I'm watching for the first time right now.
I'm 30 minutes in. The pain won't stop. So far, my internal monologue while I watch has been something like this: "Oh dear Lord, make it stop, make it stop, hey Mark Hamil! Make it stop, I hate wookies so much, hey it's Art Carney! I hate George Lucas with the fire of the sun, hey it's Harvey Korman! ow ow ow owie ow!"
So, like I said, I'm 30 minutes in. So far the stars of the actual movies have fared relatively well. Mark Hamil's barely in it, though his haircut looks strange. But I'm pretty sure his hair cut is to cover the scars from the bad car accident he was in between Star Wars and Empire, so I can overlook that.
Harrison Ford comes out okay, too, at least so far. He's trying to transport Chewbacca to his home planet for Life Day, the Wookie version of Christmas. They run into some Imperials and spend their scenes trying to outrun/kill the evil guys (in battle footage blantly lifted from the first movie). But hey, it's new footage of Han Solo, and that means a lot.
But the rest? God help me, the rest.
See, Chewie's family are anxiously awaiting Papa's return for Life Day. His family includes his wife, his father and his son Lumpy. They show up around minute 4. Luke and R2 make an appearance in minute 12.
What fills up the time between minute 4 and minute 12? An 8 minute scene of life in the wookie household.
An 8 minute scene with no dialogue. An 8 minute scene punctuated only by Wookie grunts and whines, with no subtitles to tell you just what the hell they're grunting and whining about.
I hate you, George Lucas. I hate you so much.
|Thursday, June 25th, 2009|
The first man to ever report seeing the Lizard Man (South Carolina's answer to Bigfoot) died last week in what police are saying is a drug-related shooting.
Bah. It's obvious that Lizard Man came back to finish the job.
|Saturday, April 11th, 2009|
...it'd be really easy for me to take Netflix telling me, "Jason, we think you'd enjoy Harakiri" the wrong way.
|Friday, April 3rd, 2009|
When I was a little kid, I want to be a pizza maker. I worked at pizza places off and on for years when I was older.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a writer. I've been with the newspapers for nearly three years.
In the interest of keeping this pattern alive, if anyone hears of any openings for an cowboy-pirate-spaceman, let me know.
|Wednesday, December 17th, 2008|
|Monday, June 2nd, 2008|
|Monday, May 19th, 2008|
|What I've been doing tonight.
Write an article, listen to the Juno soundtrack. Write an article, listen to the Juno soundtrack.
Why, yes, I am a 16-year-old girl, thanks.
|Tuesday, April 29th, 2008|
|I've always been good at delegating
This Saturday, I will be attending the SC Democratic Convention as a Pickens County delegate.
I've been thinking about helping out the party for awhile now, since I attended my first PC Democratic Party meeting earlier this month. Since I don't have the free time to help candidates out, or much extra money to give to the party, I thought I could at least give a some time on Saturday and be a part of the voting process.
I'm excited. I get to help choose the national convention delegates. I'd love to be one myself someday, not that I'd ever have the time, or ever be selected.
Oh, the Pickens County Democratic Party meets the second Saturday of every month at 8:30a.m. at Six Mile Town Hall, if anyone's interested.
|Tuesday, April 1st, 2008|
Today I was so busy editing the paper and putting the paper together that we forgot to put in the article that says I'm now the editor (see my last entry), the guy who puts the paper together.
|Saturday, March 29th, 2008|
|Letter from the editor
I am now the editor of The Pickens Sentinel.
I found out last Friday when my publisher, Scott, called me into his office. Since I’m kind of paranoid to begin with, I instantly thought that I was about to accused of some monumental fuck-up, fired, and lead through the streets so the crowd could laugh and point before I was executed by firing squad.
Instead, I was promoted, with a nice little bump in pay and a huge amount of responsibility to go along with it.
The way we’ve been working it, The Easley Progress concentrates mostly on Easley and the Sentinel focuses on the rest of the county. There’s give and take each way but those are the rough guidelines.
So I’ve gone from covering a city where I have a lot of good contacts to covering a large area where I don’t know nearly as many people.
But I’m excited. I think I respond well to challenges. When I first started working at the Progress, I had no newspaper experience and had to hit the ground running. It was the best education I could possibly have given myself, even though most of my articles from my first six months at the paper are pretty terrible.
I’ll still be writing for the Progress and my weekly column, Scales of Truth, will continue as long as I can keep coming up with ideas for it. I’m working on an idea for a Pickens Sentinel column that I would write ever week.
Speaking of columns, my friend Michael Brown has been writing a movie review column for the Progress for the past few weeks. Michael at the Movies appears every two weeks. His reviews are great, even though he’s been watching garbage as it’s garbage-movie season. I hope he gets to see something good soon.
My first day up at the Sentinel is Monday. I hope it goes well. I’m a boss now, with a writing of staff of one besides me, but I’m responsible for how the paper looks, what goes where, and writing assignments. On the editorial side, I’m now the number three man, under Scott and my managing editor Ben. I’m pretty young to be an editor but I’m going to make the most of it. It’s going to be pretty awesome.
Wish me luck everybody.
|Friday, February 15th, 2008|
|...my coat of many colors, that I was so proud of....
The good thing about 15 hour Mondays: they allow you to take Fridays off. The bad thing about 15 hour Mondays: everything else.
I have discovered last.fm. What a marvelous invention. Thanks to them, I am completely rocking out to Dolly Parton's "Coat of Many Colors" right now. I love this song. Stupid kids, making fun of Dolly and her homemade coat.
I'm seeing Jonathan Richman in a couple of weeks. It's a damn shame that nobody seems to know who he is even though "Roadrunner" is one of the best rock songs ever. If people know him at all, it's from being the guitar-playing troubadour who pops up randomly in "There's Something About Mary".
I'm interviewing author Steve Almond Monday. He'll be appearing as part of Clemson's Literary Festival next month, along with Brock Clarke, Keith Morris and Dave Eggers.
Almond's probably best known for Candyfreak, his non-fiction novel about his ongoing obsession with candy, but his short story collection "The Evil B.B. Chow" and his new collection of essays "Not That You Asked" are really good as well. I'd recommend NTYA solely for his piece on Kurt Vonnegut and the piece on the fallout after Almond resigned from his teaching position at Boston College after the college invited Condoleezza Rice to be commencement speaker.
I'm really looking forward to the interview. Hopefully we can run the whole piece or put it all up on the Web site.
|Tuesday, January 8th, 2008|
|John Edwards coming to Clemson tomorrow
John Edwards will be appearing at the Military Heritage Plaza tomorrow at noon.
For more information, call 656-2021or 656-1222.
Since I hear about campaign appearances before a lot of people, I'm going to try to post them here when I hear about them, Democrat or Republican.
I'm all about an informed electorate.
I'll be covering the Edwards appearance tomorrow. I'm just happy to be covering a Democratic appearance for once. That's all too rare in Pickens County.
|Wednesday, January 2nd, 2008|
|Not resolutions...insane life goals...well, maybe one resolution...
I’ve been thinking about insane life goals lately. This is the time of year when most people are thinking about New Year’s Resolutions. And I’ve got one, which I’ll list in a minute. But mostly, I’ve been thinking about the notches I want to make in the bedpost of life. Here’s a few of the things I’ve come up with.
1) Publish a book. I’m not sure what. Some days I think fiction, others non-fiction. There’s a non-fiction book I’m mulling that I think would be very popular in a regional market (specifically, NC). It would require a lot of research and interviews but hey, those are fun. I would also like to do a collection of my columns at some point, once I have enough to collect. My column turns one year old later this month.
I’ve been thinking a lot about writing today. Clemson is hosting a Literary Festival in March and I’ve been looking authors and their publicists all day and emailing them for interview requests. I emailed Dave Eggers’ publicist today. The thought of interviewing someone whose first book (A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius) was a Pulitizer finalist makes me a little light-headed. I’ve also emailed Steve Almond (Candyfreak, which is great) and Brock Clarke (An Arsonist’s Guide to the Homes of New England). I’ll post here if any of the interviews actually happen.
2) Have a piece on This American Life. I love the show. I’d love to be on the show.
3) Publish a piece on music in No Depression. It’s a great magazine about alt-country music and if I could publish something in it, I could die with a satisfied mind, to quote a Johnny Cash song. He sang it anyway. It might be a cover. Porter Waggoner, maybe?
4) And now the resolution: I want to lose a ton of weight this year. To that end, today I bite the bullet, handed over my debit card and joined the Pickens County YMCA. I’m hoping to convince my fat ass to get of bed and go swimming tomorrow morning before work. We’ll see if that actually happens.
|Friday, December 14th, 2007|
|Mark your calendars...
You know the problem with most Christmas music?
It sucks. At the very least, it's overplayed. Starting in November, many stations alter their programming and play nothing but Christmas songs.
Actually, that's not true. They play nothing but the same 30 or so Christmas songs you hear every year, over and over and over again.
There's a wealth of Christmas music that never gets played, never gets heard.
This Thursday at 7 p.m. Michael Brown and I will be playing many of those songs on WSBF, 88.1
Tune in or catch us online at www.wsbf.net
It's gonna be good. Trust me, I wouldn't lie to you.
|Tuesday, December 4th, 2007|
|It's been a while...
I haven't posted on this thing since September.
This morning, though, I thought I would share a momentous occassion in the life of any reporter: my first piece of hate mail.
I got a postcard from a cowardly asshole who didn't see fit to sign his name to his attack, not only on my story but on me personally (note to anonymous jackass: I know I'm fat. I write a column about trying to lose weight every week. In every column, I mention that I'm fat.Tell me something I don't know.)
Instead of calling me up or writing me about this story in a way where we could talkabout it, the moron sends me a postcard with no identifying information. My editor got one yesterday. My story was accurate and fair. If it's not as in-depth as I would have liked, that's deadlines for you.
I'll post a link to the story when it goes up on our Web site.
I'm not really corcerned or even surprised. My editor got one from this same person (anonymous but identical handwriting and postmark) yesterday.
This person has way too much time on their hands.
In other news, Michael Brown and I are doing a Christmas show on WSBF in a couple of weeks, focusing on awesome and almost completely unkown Chirstmas songs. I've been compling my playlist like crazy. There's so much that I can't play, eu to the artists being too popular. I'll post some of those songs here:
Steve Earle, "Nothing But A Child" Great song.
Prince, "Another Lonely Christmas" Hands down my favorite Prince song ever.